Days of my Life #13

Mocha is currently tap dancing in her sleep on the cushion next to the bed. Her soft shoe/paw is tapping at the cabinet abutting the cushion. This is why I am awake at 3am. I suppose I could’ve just gone back to sleep but then I got up for a glass of water, a visit to the bathroom and thought “might as well stay up and write.” So, here I am. Excuse my mini-yawn.

Daughter and grandson baked a delicious “it’s not my birthday“ strawberry/lemon cake yesterday. We ate it twelve hours ago. I could eat more now but then I’d have to start my intermittent fasting program tomorrow and I’m on a roll with changing old habits, consuming delectable treats being one of them.

Yes, I like many, have expanded my waistline during this time of pandemic uncertainty which I also call my “so what if I have another piece of something to placate my feelings of insecurity” time. Though the ig (immediate gratification) – of shoving snacks stuff into my mouth is momentarily satisfying, it has the unfortunate result of making my clothes tighter, hence I am putting the kibosh on the ig. Plus I am in no mood to shop, which is probably not good for the economy but then spending money on fashion is not good for my wallet, especially now.

I must say (since apparently I have to) that the uncertainty I am sensing is one shared by millions of Americans who are sitting on the ends of their chairs/beds/sofas/etc., some with baited breath others with a hand in their bag of chips, wondering, just when this virus of unspeakable proportions will disappear and we can all go outside and play in the sunshine (those who are independently wealthy) or go back to work, many at two or three jobs due to lack of a living wage and ridiculous rent.

Being a person with too much imagination, and a sense of “por quoi pas?” I am picturing at least two scenarios on the day we exit our abodes:

1. People are singing aloud “free at last” in a sort of high school musical rendition of Porgy and Bess (without the sadness, death, violence, slavery). The children wave as they head off to their schools momentarily forgetting bullies, drills for shootings and fire. Beauty spas, open their doors to people with clogged pores from eating too much sugar, expanded waistlines from same and kinks in their necks from watching Netflix in bed.

2. People stay indoors, depressed, watching others go off to work, gazing back at the pink slips, along with stacks of unpaid bills, on the table which have been gathering dust for the past weeks…and wondering if there will be an election or if Trump is now a fulltim3 golfing dictator.

Excuse me, I must escape for a moment, because I see myself spiraling into a dark hole of pessimism and that will totally screw up any possibility of my going back to sleep without nightmarish dreams. I’m going to walk it off.

Okay, that did absolutely nada, except make me realize I’m actually tired, so I’ll continue this when I wake up again. Wish me luck. Zzzzzzzz

I’m back. Have you had one of those days, in let’s say the past month, where you just wanted to yell FUCK! Repeatedly? Today, even after getting at least 38 1/2 extra winks, is one for me. But, rather than have the entire virtual page filled with that ever so satisfying word, I’ll just get out the thoughts which have been bubbling up inside of me. Read at your own risk.

Besides the fact we are all sincerely worried about our fellow family/community members being carried out in body bags and not being able to attend in person funerals/wakes/memorials where we can cry in each others arms to further spread those nasty germs of wretched plague, it is also time to worry about our basic civil rights, to say nothing of our votes, being conveniently frittered away.

Now hold on a pretty second..I am not one of them gun-toting-Trump-frenzied morons who are calling for civil war in front of the governor’s mansion in this here “keep it weird” Austin, Texas. No indeed. I am sitting here in the convenience and comfort of my home, having washed my hands at least fourteen times since I got up three hours ago – it is now high noon in the Wild West, contemplating where we go from here. A Facebook “friend” has spoken to me about how things don’t exactly add up, that we are all caught up in the fear frenzy which has been fed by news from near and far and thus we may be seeing the erosion of personal freedoms like never before. And to this, I agree in some part. I know we must tread carefully with our eyes open to what is happening around us. The unease I feel is that we cannot possibly know what is really happening and that is the truly scary shit in which we are wading, now knee deep. Who and what can you believe?

The dis-ease we are feeling/witnessing has caused most of us to be neurotic about things, (like the right to vote or being killed by dreaded virus)…we had barely even considered these before. It is said it takes approximately thirty days to change a habit. Besides the obvious issue of exercising constitutional rights, do those habits in peril also include no more kissing hello, smiling at strangers, dining with a group of friends, hanging out at a concert, shopping unmasked, working in an office, kids playing on a playground …etc.?

In case you haven’t already done so, I hope I’ve given you Something to think about. And now I’m going to stick my head outside to yell you know what.

Tune in.

Days of my life #2

Janet Bernson April 7; 2020

Imagine being rudely awakened by the sound of a dog puking. Yep, that just happened.But that’s not a big deal since I’ve been avoiding cleaning my floor like the plague. Now I have the opportunity to mop up the yuck splattered upon my oh so cool, artistically stained by me, concrete floor before my dog either tracks it across the house or laps it up. Double yuck…and gag.

Ok. I’m back. Job done. And lucid enough to write. I thought about writing a sort of “what happened yesterday” but there was little to report since I spent most of the day in isolation, while my sweet hyper grandson wreaked havoc, first loudly playing games on his iPad while my daughter attempted a Zoom meeting, and then in the front yard with a fuck of a lot of water, everywhere…while my daughter sewed masks. It was the day I decided I’m moving to god knows where, to do god knows what, but god only knows when, oh yeah, when the virus has eaten it’s last and we can go back to being cogs in the wheel of life.

As to my dreams…I remember little when I’m yanked out of slumber by gagging so unless my unconscious kicks in to share we are SOL for the dream telling. Too bad.

And now that my irrational escapism is out of the bag I cannot go back to sleep. Hell. See what you made me do? I just can’t take any responsibility for the situation in which we are all living, because I didn’t vote for this. I didn’t make the virus. Nor the idiots who think this is God’s punishment to gay people. Or rape the Earth…or incarcerate children or kill life-flora or fauna, well maybe a houseplant. I didn’t hoard toilet paper or disinfectant. And I’m certainly not the orange narcissistic weevil who is taking giant nibbles out of our government and refuses to take responsibility and blames everyone else. But I do vote. And call. And tweet and write postcards. And reuse, compost, donate time and money. Does that count? Anymore?

Yesterday, for me, the earth stood still, or I wanted it to, as I buried screams into my pillow. A vain attempt at my shutting down the reality of societal limbo.

One blessing I’d like to point out is: I’m not currently in a romantic relationship. Oh don’t get me wrong, I’d love to have wild unabashed and totally satisfying sex with a intelligent, sensitive yet strong, financially stable, healthy, environmentally conscious, male feminist who speaks French and cooks great French food, who also laughs at my jokes, loves my art, my kids, and my dogs and who also cleans up after himself… and when the dog pukes. But I am not delusional. And with my luck I’d be holed up here in Austin, social distancing with a beer-swilling, pot smoking, ne’er do well, or a cowboy, neither my idea of a good time. So I’m relatively lucky.

I guess for now I’ll just be satisfied with the life I’m living and thankful to have gotten this far, and wonder what today will bring. In the meantime I’m gonna attempt to go back to sleep perchance to dream of the French speaking dude. At least my floor will be clean when I get up. Tune in.

Days of my life #1

Janet Bernson April 6, 2020

Awake again. Is this my new covid-19 inspired circadian rhythm ? Well poo! I really would like to sleep some more since my damn dreams are so friggin crazy! Wow! I can’t believe I haven’t used shit or fuck yet. Oops. Okay I’m normal and not speaking abhorrently. This must mean I am awake. God forbid I should tone down my expletives for whoever you are who might be reading this, what shall I call it? Oh yes a rant.

My daughter has reminded me, or was it I reminded her? Whatever. That we probably would do better not tuning into the news. I mean really, how much do either of us want to talk about “it”. No, not death, not the fucking plague, not universal health, not the dreaded election, and not the scourge occupying the place formally known as the White House. No, we have to stop hearing that grocery curb alert is unavailable for the foreseeable future.

If we were to talk about it it would only cause distress since I blew it by not checking out of my shopping cart at the right time. Now she will have to go into the grocery store, adorned in one of our over-designed masks (hers has sloths on a dusty blue background), nitrile gloves, and raincoat, when our larders are scantily half full. Once returning I will blast her with homemade disinfectant, make her take a shower, then wipe down every package as if I had just spilled honey (I’m allergic to bee poop). Woe is us. If only I had known others would be blasting through the Joy of Cooking like it was a reality tv show?

Yes. Yes. I attempt to make light of this strange sci-fi-ish situation in which we find ourselves living. It’s as if L.Ron Hubbard created it…Scientology nerds might get my drift, and no, I was never one of those people who bought into that shit. Perhaps Twilight zone is more to your liking and a lot like the strange ass dreams I’ve been having. Can you imagine anything stranger than the fucked up, is this really reality, we’re in? Apparently my unconscious is working overtime to top it. Who knew?

I suppose you’re wanting me to now divulge tidbits of these inner thoughts, hoping for something risqué or otherwise delicious. Naw, I’d rather you delve into your own macabre night thoughts because to share mine with you, who might use them to implicate me in case I run for office…ah what the hell, here goes. Besides, I can tell you without compunction, in my youth I inhaled, I fucked some cute musicians who are now dead, and I did commercial fishing using gill nets.

A recent night story.

I’m standing in a forest, naked. Did I say I’m in my twenty year old body? Well I am, at least in my dream. And all of a sudden I’m clothed in a sort of camouflage armor that mirrors my surroundings. I’m feeling great! And it’s a damn good thing I am because there are villains around me…but hahaha they can’t see me. “Good ole armor I say to myself”, not wanting to divulge my whereabouts.

The bad guys I pick off one by one by using my magical powers – carefully blasting them into an alternate universe filled with “helpers” who de-program the captives, and teach them to be considerate human beings. Once the bad guys, now good, have completed their training they are released into transitional housing where they learn how to get along in the newly improved real world. Yes. My superhero name is The Changemaker. Cool eh?

Yes, there’s more romance and intrigue, but I’m not going to use up anymore of your precious time. I’ll let you get back to your email. Besides, I have a grocery list to make.

Tune in for the next…Days of My Life.

Time traveling…to save OUR people.

What day is it? Ah, Thursday, for me. No, wait, it’s Friday! I am so confused, my only frame of reference seems to be the little red, black and white calendar icon I’ve just seen on my iPad screen. You’re shaking your head remarking, “That’s cause you’re on holiday, silly.”20130830-111953.jpg Not exactly. Well yes, I am on holiday in Greece and I’ve also just awakened from a strange dream where I have time travelled, maybe even alternate universe travelled. In my dream I have gone undercover to help a friend and in the process, risked my own life and put someone else in jeopardy. I have just awoken, mid-dream and unfortunately don’t know if the issue resolved itself and my friends have escaped. I am confused and disturbed, though briefly.

The message I got as I awakened…”which course have you been on?”, makes me nod my head, “AHA”, which makes no sense to anyone but me. Why am I telling you this? I’m not exactly certain but maybe the two of us can figure it out as I write.

“Oh, no, she’s channeling Max!” Maybe, except I’m not getting hot flashes or pressure like I usually do when he is around, so it’s possible it’s just you and me who are going to figure this out. You see, in my dream I have just snuck into some sort of huge, multi-storied, working tower in Northern Ireland ( or someplace where people speak English with an Irish accent, though it could be Scottish/Aussie/Kiwi, whatever) with friends, one of whom is going back there to find out what has happened to her family and how to help them. In this tower, people are working long and stressful shifts – makeshift ropes and pulleys provide movement from floor to floor (strange, eh?) with guards at both entrance and exit gates. Only two are allowed in or out at a time. I’m not sure how we got in so easily, but I got out, they were prevented from leaving, I looked back, once I had cleared the gates to see it happen, I initially thought they were right behind me. I then abruptly awoke, which was disconcerting in and of itself.

My “AHA” message was, at the time – minutes ago here – I am here to work on me and for me. Each of us must learn while on Earth, in our physical bodies, our own lessons, i.e. We can only “save” ourselves, then others. So that’s that, it was a simple dream even though I thought it complex, right? Maybe. Probably not. Because on further reflection I have begun to see the intricacies of what we consider at first to be simple dreams, even life itself. Not everything is what it seems.

In each dream we are afforded opportunities to gain insight into the way we feel and think. Beings, human and otherwise, pop in and out, as actors on a stage, changing character, form and capabilities at whim, giving and taking away powers befitting Gandolf or a Disney fairy godmother. All the while we are navigating this new territory (where and when precisely this may be is anyone’s guess) with the ease as if we were really there, had been there all along AND would stay there forever. But we don’t. Usually. Even if we knew where “there” was. It is hard to say what this does mean, exactly, just being a novice to these contemplations, so I will continue. With luck, as I previously stated, we will figure out where we are going hopefully by the time we arrive.

I am reminded of Max’s statement yesterday, “I’m here. You’re here. Though I’m here and there, kind of everyplace at once, for now. You’ll understand in time.” (Ah, so maybe we ARE writing this together.) I wasn’t sure this was going to be a discourse in the existential, alas it may be. Anyway…

Here I now am, awake, I think. And my dream had me climbing ropes and sneaking in and out of a treacherous tower to discover the truth about family…someone else’s…except what I didn’t mention is one of my own family members was left behind (I’m not saying who…because 1. It’s not exactly relevant and 2. I’d rather keep that to myself, for now at least). Herein lies the rub. You see family, to me, implies every one of us…yes, as in we are ALL in this together. Sounds so hippy-dippy doesn’t it? Who cares? What really matters to me is… if one of us is in peril, we all are.

Yes, all that daring, intrigue, time travel and rope climbing brought me to help discover the truth about family, the one family of which we are all members (even Christians, Jews, Muslims, wiccans, Buddhists, Hindus, Zoroastrians, homosexuals, and especially all political parties). By the way how come in politics they are called parties, when clearly they don’t know how to have a good time?

So many of us are toiling in jobs where we feel we must climb ropes to enter and leave, risking all (body, mind and spirit) for “insurance” and “benefits” and what we think is “job security”. Actually, it is no better or worse to be working in the healthcare industry as to be working in a coal mine, even though it looks from the outside that the latter is more perilous. Think about it. The rates of infectious disease, diabetes, cancer, high blood pressure, alcohol and drug addiction, and more have as high or higher rates for people working in the medical profession (doctors are high on the list by the way) as for those in a coal mine. Wow. You mean I’d be better off working in a coal mine? No. Not exactly. But maybe, that is if we really even need coal…or the healthcare industry.

I believe we’ve gone about our world in a half-assed reactionary way, probably since the beginning, but at least since the beginning of the industrial revolution, where it continued, but amped up our fear-drive (thank you organized religion, politicians and robber barons) in order to control the masses…to make us all stop thinking or feeling anything but fear and do what we were/are told. The result of which has created a very warped tribal feud…”Us versus Them” mentality, creating a sort of communal and global self-hatred, thus removing us from our deep connection to ourselves and more importantly to our own personal divinity.

Oh shit, you’re thinking I’ve gone from time-traveling dreams to family drama, to healthcare and coal mines to religion, politics, evil corporations and now, we are all connected to GOD?!?! Well, yes I have, as a matter of fact. Heck, I talk to my departed beloved on the other side (of what?), what makes you think I’m going to stop at that?

Every time we separate ourselves from our own divinity, we do the same with each-other, and what goes with that is our love for our personal and collective health, happiness, wealth (you didn’t think I’d leave out money, did you?), safety (don’t forget to lock your doors at night, plus cars, businesses etc), and don’t forget the state of our environment. We’ve found every reason to kill anything that doesn’t seem necessary to fulfill our immediate needs…immediate gratification times a gazillion.

We are in the midst of watching ourselves decide:
1. Are we going to die from poisoning OUR life-sustaining bees and all insects or save them (and us) by outlawing dangerous and unnecessary herbicides and pesticides and immediately implement biodynamic and earth-friendly
2. Are we going to die from radiation leaking from Fukishima or immediately seek out and implement out of the box answers such as shutting down every single nuclear plant, instituting alternate biologically friendly forms of energy generation. We can find solutions to spent fuel by utilizing the services of such brilliant minds as John Todd of, or Roger Greene of
3.Are we going to drown from the melting of polar icecaps or discover ways to live with changing weather patterns and live without the things we have done to cause these changes?
And on most people’s minds today…
4. Will we survive the fallout (political or terrorist) due to bombing Syria in order to stop it from killing its own people (where is the logic there?, please enlighten me) or IMMEDIATELY, every single being here, there and all over our planet choose NOW to save OUR collective asses, souls and iPhones by changing our focus to love ourselves and one another.

When I was a little kid my grandmother would serve the destitute out the back door of her home, in the Fairfax district of Los Angeles, when my grandfather left to go to the synagogue. I’m not sure if Grandpa knew, but it didn’t matter since Grammie believed it was her responsibility to feed those who could not feed themselves. (She also created fabulous Barbie doll clothes for me, but that’s another post yet to happen!). Was she the Jewish Mother Teresa of the LA borscht belt? No, and I’m not exactly sure from where her strong desire to feed others came, nevertheless she instilled in me the strong sense of community involvement I have and my belief that we MUST heal ourselves individually and collectively if we are to not only survive but truly thrive in this life, on our planet, now.

Well, how did we do? We did the dream-time travel-socio-political-family-current events-spirituality- round-up. Have you chosen which course WE are on? Are there any questions? Either way, I’m going now, the Mediterranean calls me. I’m going for a swim in one of OUR oceans, have salad and a snooze. Don’t forget to recycle. Talk with you tomorrow. And by the way, Max says “hi!”