Days of my Life #52

Motivation. Am I stuck in the midst of “who gives a fuck town” or “I’ll do it when I damn well feel like it” as I float over “in a rut isle”? Maybe it’s only for today, though I think it’s been this past week (month?) where I’ve felt it would be better to be a couch potato sans multiple pints of Ben and Jerry’s due to my keeping a food diary since I’m planning the permanent obliteration of 20+ pounds from my curvy COVID figure.

You may agree with me ever so slightly when I say it’s damn hard to get motivated when it appears life as we know (knew?) it is going to shit. I’ve done my best to keep my eyes off of the news because my blood pressure goes off the charts, and my positive, once cheerful self starts looking for Xanax (which I’ve taken twice and hated it) when I view the latest. But face it, what the hell else can I do?

…I’ve read more books in the last three months than I’ve read in the last five years and these books have made me think medieval Scotland would be a damn better place to live right now. And this is taking into consideration that the time period about which I refer lacked things I find quite necessary in my life like indoor plumbing, refrigeration except during friggin cold winter months, coffee, chocolate, pasta, antibiotics, zippers, orthotics, eyeglasses, insect repellent, toothpaste…and iPad/google..hell yeah electricity and clean water but that’s because I’m an entitled white woman and don’t live in Flint, Michigan.

Yes. I said google because I’m a research nerd, since my memory these days requires me to rely on historical and general reference material housed inside my iPad via the World Wide Web rather than accessing the far reaches of my troubled mind because it is excessively occupied in consternation about the state of my country at the hands of a conman-cum- hate-filled, ignorant bully despot of ginormous proportions.

Were I in much better shape I know I’d be amongst those brave women willing to expose their vaginas to the dickhead police state. I would, of course, be wearing a mask that says “My cunt is smarter than your teensy cock”, which would probably not win me friends, but come to think of it they’d not be reading anyway since they’d have their eyes on pussies galore.

Am I mad as hell? You betcha. And perhaps this anger will motivate me beyond my mere bitching and moaning about things.

Of course I’m probably doing more than many – baking for the homeless, emotionally and financially supporting noble causes, friends and family, voicing my views to the alleged “representatives” of my city and state. There’s no faulting my actions exactly, so why is it I feel it’s not enough? …that it might be for naught, that if I only could wield magic to sort out the fucking mess of Covid, a population of ignorant, hateful SOB’s and help heal our world all would be right?

This is probably why I bury myself so deliberately inside the countless scores of romantic books filled with wizards and witches, demigods and dragons. For within these tomes there are berserkers, those warriors who think nothing of impaling the wicked with mighty swords and axes. And these fantasies transport me far away from the other type of insanity so prevalent in our modern world where evil politicians think nothing of letting immigrant children rot in disease ridden cells, removing safety nets for homeless, veterans and families, allowing racism to flourish, encouraging unconscionable violence and mayhem at the hands of police and fascists and so much more. Medieval times might be better?

It is so very difficult for me to get motivated now that I am so exhausted by the unraveling of a society once bent on helping the needy and building a healthy environment. Though I have not given up on the principles by which I have ascribed, I am, admittedly, discouraged, saddened and angry at the dark forces against us.

Maybe, as I said, my anger will move me to discover how best to conquer my semi complacency so I can feel more productive and able to move us forward. I know I am not alone even though as I sit here on my planetary chair, with my dogs sleeping at my feet, the current world outside is in a heap of big trouble and I am lacking the magic to make it all better. If you’ve got some ideas I’d love to hear them.

Tune in.

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