Janet Bernson April 6, 2020
Awake again. Is this my new covid-19 inspired circadian rhythm ? Well poo! I really would like to sleep some more since my damn dreams are so friggin crazy! Wow! I can’t believe I haven’t used shit or fuck yet. Oops. Okay I’m normal and not speaking abhorrently. This must mean I am awake. God forbid I should tone down my expletives for whoever you are who might be reading this, what shall I call it? Oh yes a rant.
My daughter has reminded me, or was it I reminded her? Whatever. That we probably would do better not tuning into the news. I mean really, how much do either of us want to talk about “it”. No, not death, not the fucking plague, not universal health, not the dreaded election, and not the scourge occupying the place formally known as the White House. No, we have to stop hearing that grocery curb alert is unavailable for the foreseeable future.
If we were to talk about it it would only cause distress since I blew it by not checking out of my shopping cart at the right time. Now she will have to go into the grocery store, adorned in one of our over-designed masks (hers has sloths on a dusty blue background), nitrile gloves, and raincoat, when our larders are scantily half full. Once returning I will blast her with homemade disinfectant, make her take a shower, then wipe down every package as if I had just spilled honey (I’m allergic to bee poop). Woe is us. If only I had known others would be blasting through the Joy of Cooking like it was a reality tv show?
Yes. Yes. I attempt to make light of this strange sci-fi-ish situation in which we find ourselves living. It’s as if L.Ron Hubbard created it…Scientology nerds might get my drift, and no, I was never one of those people who bought into that shit. Perhaps Twilight zone is more to your liking and a lot like the strange ass dreams I’ve been having. Can you imagine anything stranger than the fucked up, is this really reality, we’re in? Apparently my unconscious is working overtime to top it. Who knew?
I suppose you’re wanting me to now divulge tidbits of these inner thoughts, hoping for something risqué or otherwise delicious. Naw, I’d rather you delve into your own macabre night thoughts because to share mine with you, who might use them to implicate me in case I run for office…ah what the hell, here goes. Besides, I can tell you without compunction, in my youth I inhaled, I fucked some cute musicians who are now dead, and I did commercial fishing using gill nets.
A recent night story.
I’m standing in a forest, naked. Did I say I’m in my twenty year old body? Well I am, at least in my dream. And all of a sudden I’m clothed in a sort of camouflage armor that mirrors my surroundings. I’m feeling great! And it’s a damn good thing I am because there are villains around me…but hahaha they can’t see me. “Good ole armor I say to myself”, not wanting to divulge my whereabouts.
The bad guys I pick off one by one by using my magical powers – carefully blasting them into an alternate universe filled with “helpers” who de-program the captives, and teach them to be considerate human beings. Once the bad guys, now good, have completed their training they are released into transitional housing where they learn how to get along in the newly improved real world. Yes. My superhero name is The Changemaker. Cool eh?
Yes, there’s more romance and intrigue, but I’m not going to use up anymore of your precious time. I’ll let you get back to your email. Besides, I have a grocery list to make.
Tune in for the next…Days of My Life.
Janet Bernson 