Two years ago, on August 15 at 1:11pm, my sweet partner, Max (Merle) Hall Middleton, departed our physical world for the Great Beyond. Today, the last remnants of his physical being I scattered in our garden (especially around the habanero and tomato plants) and then in the Pacific Ocean (off the Santa Monica pier but don’t tell anyone).
For months those last two – 1lb cans of Max’s ash have been sitting in my closet, gathering dust. Funny, dust on the outside and the inside, eh? Anyway. I hadn’t wanted to deal with them. After all I’ve been feeling better, thankfully the waves of thunderous grief have subsided…ripples here and there, but no more emotional tsunamis, which is a very good thing in my book.
Those little metal cans were stuck shut. Did they mirror my reticence. I thought it best to pry them open in the kitchen before heading elsewhere for the ceremonial release. I was correct. It took me at least fifteen minutes to open can#1…which was more like an explosion of human ash on my granite counters, after which I carefully brushed the contents back into the can and gently replaced the lid. The second can was easier and slightly less messy which was a great relief and I chuckled at my clumsiness.
I wondered briefly whether the dumping of these last vestiges of my sweetheart’s body would unleash some strange energy, other than the explosive kitchen mess, alas it has not. Instead I feel wonderfully peaceful. It was the “right” thing to do, because I feel good about it. At the same time I also feel the presence of a greater strength, as if my dear Maxie just stood by me and said, “You can move forward now, with ease. Don’t worry, I’ll always have your back!”
So what now? I’ve concluded the “mourning chapter” of my life, at least that’s what I’m sayin. I’ve learned so much in these two years, especially about my gratitude for Every Fucking Thing that has happened.
What? You’re grateful for cancer? Max dying? Grief? Money challenges? Crazy people sponging off you…etc? Why? Because I’m here, I’ve embraced the change Max encouraged us all to do. I have learned to feel through each experience, rather than run from my feelings.
Bob Stevens, (the man who gave us Conscious Language) of Www.masterysystems.com reminds us to Feel, touch, stay, love and feel again. This is what I’m doing and it is working. I am working! And I am thankful.
So. What’s next? Travel. Soon I’m headed to Europe to meditate, write and meet friends (new and old).
Tonite I’m headed to pacific palisades for the play, Abstraction, written by Ryan Paul James, directed by Katy Jacoby and starring Ronnie Marmo and members of (Maxie’s friends) http://www.theatre68.com
Have a great weekend folks !