“Stop eating that! Quit playing that stupid game! You really could do something productive! Get out and run, you slug! Walk the dogs, they’re getting fat, too! Have you written at all today??? You know taxes are coming, better get your shit together.”
Oy, the above internal dialogue sounds like I’ve swallowed a terminal case of “Bad Mommy”! Which makes my inner child seriously consider staying in bed the entire day, curled up under the covers sucking my thumb!
I’ve awakened at the un-Janetly hour of 3:45am. The damn heat went on blowing hot air on my already challenged sinuses causing me to sneeze and hack ever so indelicately. (Come to think of it, how does anyone sneeze delicately?) I’m exceedingly tired, and apparently have flipped the “time to pick-on-myself switch” into the “on” position due to match my already weakened physical state.
Guess its time for my inner hero (or McGiver) to say, “HotDamn, I’m gonna figure out how to rewire that sucker, (where is my map, lighter and paper clip?) if it takes me the rest of my life!”
But on second thought, maybe this early hour has merely made me aware of the dialogue yammering within, that’s been there all along and that I often keep myself too busy to really deal with its explosiveness head on.. “Oh shut the fuck up already, you cow!” I’ll not bore you with the additional messages playing on the “Loser” tape which is playing seemingly without provocation…it would make even Tony Robbins depressed or the Hulk very angry, for that matter.
Some people who think they may know me may be entirely surprised reading this. My imagination hears them saying, “Really? She always seemed so secure. Good acting.” Thanks, but.
Rather than psychobabble myself into a Valium (if I had one, which I do not, nor do I take, thank you very much,) I am going to push “erase” and write little words praising ME for my accomplishments, however small they may currently be. Oh? My critic mumbles that may be too cutesy and New Age. Well, T.S. Elliot, I’ve chosen this approach because number one it appears to work well for me and number two, its life-affirming, even if it is sappy. Besides my inner child, not critic (though maybe she, too) needs “good mommy”, for a change.
Here’s what I’ve got thus far.
Instead of “stop eating that!” I’m using “Now that I’m feeling satisfied I can take a nap, walk, read a book…etc”. Good.
Instead of “quit playing…” The words, “I shall play my game when I’ve finished writing as amens of mental r and r.”. Reward …thanks mom.
Instead of “get out and run…” It’s “Oh yes, I can walk with my sweet doggies…and run with Bucky (my husky)”. It sure beats the gym any day! Take that evil bad mommy.
Instead of the accusative “have your written today?!!!” “I’m writing and damn I feel good when I write.”. I’m going to give myself a gold star for that!
Instead of “…taxes…’ let’s see how much my creativity paid me last year!
That little bit of re-molding my inner dialogue has done wonders for me, so far. Even my sinuses are starting to clear. I may be on to something!
And finally, most importantly, instead of running my very own “Loser” tape through to the end and then push the repeat button, I am consciously taking charge of reprogramming my mind to listen to my newly installed and state of the art “Sweet heart” drive. Later this morning, when the sun has started to rise and the birds have awakened from their slumber (yes, even the darn birds are still asleep as I write) I will pour myself a nice cup of tea and plan my new and glorious day.
Thanks mom. I’m going to take a nap til morning. I’ll write again.