Once again, I find myself sitting in a hotel room, typing on my trusty iPad, reaching into the cosmos for the words to make sense of this weekend’s journey.
In celebration of my beloved sweetheart, Max Middleton’s 63rd birthday on October 31, Halloween, Samhain, Day of the Dead, All Soul’s Day, I am here to sit in hot mineral water, swim laps and work out the kinks of my new life, hopefully to embrace further the sacred change of which he taught. On Sunday, I will travel to Landers for a further ceremony at the teenage and wonderful Integratron.
I invited several girlfriends to join me on this “Can o’Max#4” journey even though I had originally planned to do it solo….then while the others opted out, my dear friend Marcy chose to grace me with her presence. This is good, my weekend being a continuation of my infamous, if only in my mind, “Can o’Max Tour”.
For those of you who have yet to read my previous posts, I will illuminate. My oh-so-more-than-divine and loving/loved/lover partner of eight truly great years passed over into the Great Beyond, due to the treachery of Cancer, fate and possibly the ills of our thought forms in August 2012. As we, Max and I, enjoyed our travels together on the highways and byways of our great world, I have, this year, taken as my goal and focus, to, when I take car, train, plane or boat, bring with me a small can of his ashes to ceremoniously deposit along the way. There will be no dumping of 25-30 pounds of Max-ash at one time for me, no siree, I am allowing my travels to dictate how much and how often I will continue to send him on his merry way.
You might ask, as one of my friends did, if I am prolonging my agony of letting him go. My answer, as if I actually need to provide you or anyone else with one, is “No” and the following:
I consider my time here as a present, a Gift from the Divine Presence, to do as I will, provided I, as that wizard of healing, Hippocrates, once stated, ” First, do no harm.” Therefore, as I am doing no harm, I am going to travel, deposit a bit of the man I loved more dearly than I ever thought I could, leaving further trace, if only to me, that he existed, that we traveled together, and that our love continues even if he is no longer of the body. Shit, that’s profound and romantic! Excuse me while I take a few secs to wipe the tears off the screen.
And here I sit, now at the table in the Kafe of the Aqua Soleil Inn and Spa, having consumed decaf coffee with almond milk and half a chocolate muffin…and though I wish it were, gluten free it ain’t….more like Costco or Smart n final which is nothing, zip, nada to send in to Gourmet Magazine, I can assure you. 
Had I been a carnivore, as was my dearly departed, I’d have convinced Marcy we should make the breakfast journey down the highway to the cafe that specializes in chicken fried steak (blech!). Thankfully I am not, Marcy too is vegetarian and after our massages we will have REAL nourishment in Palm Springs at a cafe that specializes in organic, vegan food.
Why the hell am I emphasizing food on this, my “Can o’Max #4” journey? Because I am determined to stay the healthy course on the gifted journey I call my life. In patient reflection of my time with Maxie I now realize I had allowed his dietary desires to govern my own better sense. Now he is eating the ambrosia of the Gods and Goddesses and I am pondering the choices between sustainable, organic and cage free. Is there Budweiser in Heaven? Only Max knows for sure. Hopefully he’s happy chugging back a few without me shaking my head as I did on more than one occasion.
It is now an hour later; I have released toxins and tears after a patient and loving aromatherapy session by former Moscow native, Nina; her deft hands intuitively discovered the emotional knots within my physical ones. I sniffled, she rubbed, I wept softly, she rubbed harder, I sobbed, she moved the vestiges of sorrow out of my body like squeezing the last stubborn remnants of toothpaste out of the tube. I’m not sure if I’m done with the crying or if I will ever be – I had thought my grief had run its course in Germany. I was wrong. Funny I use the metaphor of toothpaste to acknowledge my grief. Such is life, death and toothpaste ? Go figure it out yourself while I get ready to have something to eat that came more directly from the earth than the chemo-muffin I ate earlier.
And it’s off to forage for healthy food.
We are at the Palm Greens in Palm Springs. I am staring up at the ceiling, hence the pix, as we wait for our organically grown vegetable matter in the form of salad for me and a vegan Reuben for Marcy. It became quickly apparent that Desert Hot Springs is an actual desert when it comes to organic or green.
On the way we drove past Kirk Douglas Way I strove to understand better the reasons the rich and famous came out here to get away from Hollywood … Was it the mineral water? The dry, hot, hot, hot air? Who in their right mind would want to live here except the rich and crazy or gay? Okay, that’s harsh. But hell, this is Gay Pride Week and the place is crawling with people who wanna get married and not procreate. Not that I blame any of them for either being gay or wanting to profess their love for their beloved, but here in Hot, Fucking (which is a good thing) Palm Springs… why would anybody do it here? Ya gotta love the constant whir of air conditioning, which I for one, do not.
Gone are the days of Fun in the Sun candies and spotting Bobby Darin walking down Indian Canyon with Sandra Dee. Oh the old days. I sound like an old fart. And I do have gas from all the organic green stuff I consumed earlier.
Max and I passed through here a couple years ago on our way out of Dodge, post Fukishima. We stopped long enough to have burgers at Tyler’s (decent joint for you carnivorous peeps), gas up and continue on our way. We didn’t get married. We weren’t gay either, at least I don’t think we were…but we were pretty damn happy. Anybody out there remember that the word gay once meant happy and not homosexual? I’ve got a make-believe souvenir from our trip which reads… “Max and Janet went to Palm Springs….all she got was this tee shirt.”
Yawn. In the late morning tomorrow we head to the Integratron in Landers to ceremoniously scatter the ashes. Our buddy Dennis is making the trek from Murrieta Hot Springs to join us, he’s another guy who doesn’t mind the heat. I’m glad to have some of Maxie’s friends with me. Max loved the place…the Integratron, that is, he was fascinated by the story of the place, how it was George Van Tassel’s interaction with aliens that compelled him to build this alleged vehicle for time travel. You can read about it the Integratron. In the meanwhile I’m gonna catch some shut eye. Sweet dreams to you too.
I slept, kind of. It’s fall back weekend. So much for daylight savings. Yawn. I’ve mapped our quest to Landers and the sound bath. Time to get dressed and find breakfast. Hope this posts. Follow me, if it pleases you.
Janet Bernson 