Baby, baby tell me where it’s at.

My sweet grandson has taught me more in his 8 weeks of being on our planet Earth than I may have so far learned in my sixty-somethin years. Here’s the deal according to Levi Ward, life coach and scholar. Take notes. You will be tested.20130916-062059.jpg “Tit or no tit. That’s what babies know. That’s all babies care about. We want Our Comfort Food, and We want it NOW! Really. Okay, there are other things…Yes Sir, we get fussy about wet or poopy diapers, passing gas, and having trouble getting to sleep. Yes Ma’am, we love a good hug, a Pat on the back, some ole fashion rockin and a rock n roll lullaby and some o’ that shuteye will do nicely, thank you…and then we are good to go, until we need/want it again, soon. The same thing goes for you people out there in cyber land. Think about it.”

Out of the mouths of babes! Levi is so damn smart! Of course he is my first grandchild, so he’s gotta be smart. But this smart?!?! Wow!

No, seriously, let’s think about it. I have been attending the Levi River Solomon Ward School of Human Understanding since July 23. Even if some of this time has been distance learning, I am a dedicated student and I’m determined to graduate with honors. This kid is onto something…I just know it. Here is what I’ve learned so far – on what my thesis shall be based.

When it comes down to the basics, every person I know desires deeply, on a very primal level, those vital items Baby Levi talked about at the very beginning. Oh I know you and every adult think they want (thank you evil corporate advertisers wherever you are) some form of… Wolfgang Puck type personal chef, true love with the most beautiful woman or man (Hey, it’s your fantasy…you pick the movie star of your depraved choice), a great gig that pays gazillions (or just the gazillions), a fabulous house at the beach/mountains/hills, a new car, a sublime month of decadent vacation, winning the lottery for even more gazillions… blah, blah, blah… But what does that translate into? Tit, burp, hug, clean diaper, kiss, lullaby & rock & nap and repeat.

And people will do just about anything to get what will fulfill those REAL needs. They, like their early infantile counterparts, will cry, scream, coo, look cute, grab and kick (not necessarily in that. order, nor all at once) in order to get precisely what they want. Babies are the key to unlocking the door on human behavior if we will listen to their young, but ever so wise-wisdom. Are you ready?

Let’s observe each item on the “List” as we enter our world of better understanding, according to Baby Levi.

#1 Tit. Human behaviorists have been looking at potty training far too closely (ewe!) for the cause of tantrums and other “maladjustments”. In the opinion of our esteemed instructor one must look more seriously at the first thing Baby deals with, which is… Finding the tit. Once Baby has located the tit, (usually with the assistance of the “Sacred Keeper of the Royal Tit”) Baby will then instinctively know what to do with it. Yes, I know Mom (often, but not always women- let’s be fair to our LGBT friends) IS the “Sacred Keeper of the Royal Tit”, but that is just the point to where we are heading.

It is here we may encounter one of the first hurdles over which Baby must jump. (I know babies are unable to jump this early in their development – its a metaphor, silly). Not every “Sacred Keeper of the Royal Tit” aka “SKoRT” (I realize this is not a particularly graceful acronym, which has also been used in the past for a skirt/pant garment, but for these intended purposes it takes much less time to type, it works, so get over it. I know I have.) is comfortable in her new occupation; smart, instinctive Baby knowing this says, sometimes unintelligibly, but very loudly, “I’m going in. Quit fussing, I can figure this out, just give me the damn thing now!” And with this, come hell or wet diaper, whines, nuzzles, snorts and with flinging of arms heads into the almighty tit to claim its contents, the proverbial nectar of the, wait for drum roll, Babygods. Of course this wailing and carrying on does absolutely nothing for the relative ease in which “SKoRT” can release the flow and this can create a bigger hurdle with yet more crying by said Baby as well as more than a few additional tears of frustration from the all powerful “SKoRT”. All of this may further result in a less than ideal situation….decreased flow of the Sacred Milk. Oh no, this can’t be good. And it isn’t.

Some psychobabblists have, in the past labeled “mother issues” as the cause of adult problems. Our esteemed teacher Levi disagrees, loudly. “Sure , my SKoRT happens to be MY Mom, but really, it’s the Sacred Milk that is at issue here. The SKoRT/mother is secondary to the primary…she only carries with her the Royal Tit. She is but a vessel. It is best you take note. I’ll put it in abbreviated, yet historical terms of great nation’s monarchies. The Queen carries the crown and can abdicate, giving the crown to someone else. In the case of the Royal Tit, by expressing the Sacred Milk from the Royal Tit, Baby can also get what he desires. Hence, the role of SKoRT can be assumed. Nevertheless, it is true Baby can get utterly pissed off if he does get the contents of the Royal Tit, whoever has it.” That’s enough about that for now.

#2. Burp. There is nothing worse for a baby than to have gas, especially when Baby has no idea what gas is (nor what a body is for that matter) . And when the powerful force of a gas relieving burp emanates from the body of Baby, it can be a terrible surprise…even after it has occurred twenty, a hundred or more times! Why?

Well, before you think Baby is stupid, put yourself in his/her shoes…okay booties. You’ve been here in a body, but you don’t really know where “here” is or what a “body” is. Then, after getting enough Sacred Milk (you also don’t know what that is, but you know you’ve gotta have it and your “tummy” – whatever that is feels better) you get this sensation of “air”(which you also don’t know about)moving through your body at light speed (that’s mo technical shit) and now the friggin thingy is exiting your “mouth”. And a mouth is something having to do with that Sacred Milk B.S. You now exclaim,(unintelligibly even to yourself)“What the fuck has just happened?” You, being temporarily Baby, are feeling somewhat relieved, if even more than a lot confused. It is a conundrum, especially for someone so new to our physical universe. Are you starting to get it? Lets move on.

#3 Hug. This is a strange situation Baby has come upon and it is SCARY. Even if we adult beings have developed some other (possibly warped ways of dealing with a lack of good comforting) method of coping, being held tenderly…with none of this light, brief pat on the back type of hesitant hug some weenies give…is the answer to calm Baby, make him/her feel secure, and able to move more freely in our world. I’ve got lots of clever shit to say about this, but I won’t. (You can write, if you care for me to elaborate).

#4 Clean Diaper. You can refer to #2, about strange body sensations…now multiply this by a factor of ten…no one I know, likes stinky, even if it comes from you, it gets old, fast. Combine this with first warm, then cold, then stinky…this is some very nasty shit (and most often it is just that, shit.). I will say breasted babies’ shit does not stink particularly, but the warm/cold/wet? that still counts. To paraphrase Max Middleton, heavenly scholar and this grandmother’s personal advisor, “When Baby is wet, it is vital to Embrace Sacred Change!” Sometimes we engage in Sacred Change as much as twenty times in a given day.

#5 Kiss. Dr. Levi has told me, “One may say babies don’t even know what kisses are, but hot damn they feel good! The proper quota of kisses are vital to the development of an emotionally balanced individual.” ‘Nuff said.

#6 Lullaby & Rock & Nap. I don’t care how bad you think your voice or tap dance may be… Baby thinks you are crooning, hip swingin Pavarotti-Astaire (hey get a grip you kids who don’t know who they are…Google em, I don’t have time)! Get out and polish those chops, cause Baby’s gotta have some tunes and a good beat to sleep, replenish and repeat items 1-6. This makes for a happy Baby, and all concerned.

Levi has requested I end with this. Babies give us all a new way to look at our own lives. Each time they wake from a nap or deep sleep, the world is new, different and amazing. Yes, sometimes it is scary and uncomfortable but when we show them they are always cared for, they can handle it all, easily. When things are tough, they will laugh and learn how to take it easy. When something is offered in love they will hold it gently and care for it. They will enjoy good food and be thankful. They will rest easily when they are tired. They will enjoy music and dancing as a means to relax and appreciate what they have. They will know Life is Good. And so will we.

I’m so proud of my new grandson for teaching me so much. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to share what I have learned.

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