I’ve done it. I’ve dumped can o’max #2. Well, dumping is perhaps too harsh a word. Alas, letting-go
may require a big spiritual “shove”, so we can get to where we are really called.
I didn’t sleep much last night (3 hours plus or minus) because I was too friggin upset from my day of trying to figure out if I could open up the damn can and toss the contents (a pound of Max’s ashes)into the mediterranean sea without drowning in my own voluminous tears. I got myself so worked up about the subject that when i returned to my hotel room, I couldn’t sleep and therefore managed to raise my blood pressure, turn my stomach into a big ‘ole knot, as well as use up an entire roll of toilet paper with my buckets of weepy wet snot…oh so lovely. When I finally did get to sleep it was not long enough; waking at 7 am, I found myself putting on my swimsuit (can’t believe it’s still fitting since I’ve been gorging myself on real full o’fat Greek yogurt and way too much bread (Dear dairy and wheat: This is to inform you, we are getting a divorce when I get home), my swim shoes which are too big and once wet are like swimming with gallon size, leaky ziplock bags), grabbing can o’max #2, packing my bag with towel, phone and sunglasses, followed by marching myself down to the beach. When I got there (the beach) it was mostly deserted, the water not very far away. I plopped bag on lounger, took said can out of said bag, schlepped to water’s edge, took picture – sloshed back to lounger to put iPhone back in bag and began to walk along the shoreline – all the while attempting to open the can which had, in transatlantic and transEuropean travel, managed to grit itself shut. I pried it open (after what seemed like hours, under threat of broken nails and a whole lot of futzing)… only to spill a very nice part of the contents on my bathing suit (ashes, ewe Max’s ashes-gross), my shoes and only a tiny bit in the water.
I began to laugh, then cry, simultaneously, which was followed by a giant wail, some snorts of laughter and more sobbing, yelling accusingly toward the sky, “You’re getting a big laugh out of this one, Max, aren’t you?” He has appeared to me wearing a sky blue warm up suit…the sky is where I often direct my comments to him. I could hear him, no, see him shaking his head, pointing & guffawing. It was even more comedic as I began to run along the water’s edge, weaving sometimes in and out of the water, tossing more ash into the ocean as if it were fairy dust and I some grotesque (sobbing and crying), but somewhat graceful, nymph. Weird mental picture you must be having right now…and you’re probably right about the way it looked. Kinda funny. The yellow note, ” I love you in Greece”, I watched dissolve in a tide pool after I had torn it into smaller bits of mushiness (which had now come to resemble teensy flower petals). It was at that moment I decided Max and I were again saying we loved one another, still, though we are at least one plane of existence apart. I know I wrote the note, but it was on his notepaper (see imprint). You say I’m grasping at straws? Whatever.
Then, to no one alive in particular, because I think I had scared what few people were on the beach at such an early hour, given my maniacal laughing and crying, “okay, I’m all done crying, Maxie, you have made an ass/ash of me and I -you. We are now even. I love you. We’ve got more cans to go, and the next ones will be easier.” It’s a tossup if he heard me – at that point I could’ve cared less.
After the can was empty I rinsed it out and picked up some shells, placing them inside the now vacant can, then headed back to the lounger to collect towel and bag. I looked. The beach really was empty of people, which is good, since I was still releasing volumes of tears. So much for being done with crying! I did some slow deep breaths and envisioned myself at ease in my life. On the walk back to my room I alternated between, calm, crying and laughing, wondering if ingesting a gallon of Rescue Remedy would be considered overkill. That particular idea was irrelevant; I only had a quarter ounce spray bottle in my toiletry kit; I gave myself a squirt or three once I had managed to unlock the door – this had only a mild effect on my demeanor. Nevertheless, I figured I’d go for breakfast in the hotel cafe rather than mope about in my room – relief hit me as I saw I didn’t have to explain my frazzled state to my roommate who was thrashing about (she was swimming back and forth like an Olympian-fitting for Greek holiday, eh?) in the swimming pool just outside our door. I quickly changed into shorts and tank, grabbed my purse and headed to eat.
The cafe contained only a few occupied tables – one which held my teacher, Aristhaia, who, giving me a gentle once over, immediately told me to take a seat. I won’t/can’t go into precise details as to what she did – I’d have to change my name and disappear before divulging such secrets … (kidding…you can enroll in my meditation class when i return home or send me 5 bucks in a plain envelope…I can be bought)).
By the time breakfast and our work together was over, I needed a nap – to my room i went for what I thought would be a small snooze. Hours later, the cleaning staff knocked to change bedding/towels etc. finding me shocked to see how time had flown. It was as if I had been given knockout drops…as far as I know, I hadn’t – and rescue remedy levels me out, it never sends me crashing into slumber… it must’ve been what she did to me…or ???
Once fully awake there was an emerging awareness – I was no longer crying, or depressed, or wondering what was next for me. The veil lifted further. “I can now focus on what is beyond little ole me!”, was my immediate thought. (Little did I know this was to be the process of our group meditation… A doozy, I might add.)
At 5pm we began our meditation. In the beginning we focused on our little, petty, egotistical, woe is me self – you know, the one who tries to control shit, make things happen, the demanding, expecting, guilt-tripping, fearful one. (I know that one only too well – one has only to read previous posts to get that). This was momentarily challenging until… we were guided to begin releasing the no longer needed “little person” into our permanent, loving, intuitive, creative, powerful “big” self who magically dissolved that rotten stuff we carry with us, often in matching baggage! How cool is that?!! And I saw it all happen!
Alone, the initial part of the evening”s session, (actually our last one for these two weeks) was life-changing, but then we were asked if we wished to take another step beyond our personal selves through the inner guidance of our Divine self, to partner with our people, then the people’s of our entire earth planet, and the sentient beings of all planets who chose to live with integrity and grace, to resolve all conflict through gentleness and understanding, and to evolve, fully. It was a big deal for all of us present. I said “YES”! Everyone else so affirmed … The best high I’ve ever experience.
In looking back at the previous days, weeks, months, year/s, I am reminded of the importance of letting go with ease and grace. Even when I’ve repeatedly mouthed the mantra “I choose to make this fun and easy”, it has not always proved to be so. And still, letting go, selecting what is truly important is an empowering ideal, to which I heartily subscribe, now, in these moments when my focus turns from inside to out. From the little heart of my small self, to the big heart of my divine self, to the collective hearts of our people, the rotating life-sustaining heart our earth, the warm molten, radiant heart of our sun-star and ultimately the humongous, all encompassing heart of our gi-normous beautiful Universe. This is where I am called to focus. Now.
Tomorrow I fly to Germany. Onward in peace. Thank you for reading !
7 thoughts on “I’ve gone and done it, now for the important stuff!”
So visually sumptuous – and wonderful to share – thank you, dear one of the Sea…
Wow! Washed clean.
Rub a dadubadadub…
Thanks for sharing a Woody Allen moment related to the opening the can. Your journey has been a pleasure to read Janet.
Thanks Jer… Gotta laugh, this crying shit ain’t no fun.
Yes, yes for you – I am happy for all the cleansing you are doing and the laughter and the tears – the ocean – Poseidon and his minions are at your service – Venus/Aphrodite was/is formed out of sea foam.
Cool Marcy! I’m going to stir up more foam … Gotta store up on it… Leaving mañana mid day!